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Monday, January 23, 2012

Sophia, Guiding Star In My Heart: JANUARY 11

Journal page this morning, good way to start the day!

I'm feeling better today, yesterday I was totally verbally eviscerated by a nasty 16 year old girl, and was feeling guilty because I lost my cool a bit and raised my voice at her. Processed with her how her words, attitude and voice came across to me, apologized for my lack of cool, and she turned it around and used it against me. Even knowing what I do about mental illness, and a long history with this girl, it still hurt. Then I was beating myself up for not having my boundaries more firmly in place. I've known this girl for about 10 years, and worked with the family off and on during that time and am quite fond of this girl and her family. It's hard to keep all the boundaries I learned in grad school and life in general in place when you work with the family on a weekly basis in thier home. Her mother told her she needed to apologize for treating me so disrespectfully, she refused, saying that she wasn't sorry, that she didn't have to apologize that she has mood swings that I "should" be aware of that, that she gets angry and I shouldn't take it personally. Her parents were quite upset. It was ughly! It kind of put a damper on my day for a while. But I felt better last night and today is a new day.

I don't see clients until late afternoon and into the evening today. Paperwork to do, maybe putzing a bit in the kitchen. We're having leftover tagine tonight with a pomegranate seed, clementine, pistachio and greens salad; Cooking extra quinoa to be used in tomorrow's dinner, Squash stuffed with quinoa, clementines and pomegrante seeds. Sadly that will be the end of my pomegranates. How I will miss those crunchy little red jewels! I've enjoyed my "pomegranate sojurn".

Time to get off the computer and get to work on paperwork.

Life is good!

EDIT: This morning I had a flash of insight into why her remarks/attitude bothered me so much. It tapped into some similar experiences in my personal life that I'd forgotten about, the feeling was the same, the girl's words very similar to what was said to me a couple of times, i.e. "I will not apologize for my opinion or that it hurt you" and a number of times that someone told me how I "should or should not feel" in traumatic or painful times in my life. We think we have forgotten, but sometimes old pains work their way to the surface, like shrapnel from an earlier explosion in our lives. The girl refused to let me speak, I felt like I had no voice, and when I did voice my thoughts, they were trampled. Again, the feeling a familiar one. I will not stop caring about this girl, but I will be more ready for an attack should one happen again in the future, and it probably will. LOL

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