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Monday, January 23, 2012

I SILENCED MY INNER CRITIC: JANUARY 14

I silenced my inner critic, you know, that horned demon who lives inside your head and shoots you when you're already limping, telling you you're not enough, you don't have enough, you can never BE enough. I silenced that ughly thing with words that defy the lies it speaks. I silenced him with words like ENOUGH!! WISDOM, BRIGHT, SKIL,L TALENT, CREATIVITY, STRENGTH, GENEROSITY, GIVING, OPENESS, FLEXIBILITY, ADVOCACY, INTELLIGENCE, HUMOUR, VALUE, LOVE, GRATITUDE, COMFORT, GUIDANCE ,HONESTY, VISION, ART, WRITING, POETRY, MOTHER, DAUGHTER, SISTER, WIFE, FRIEND, LOVER, ANAMCARA, SPIRITUALITY, DREAM, GOOD, ENOUGH!! COLOR LIFE FLIGHT FANCY IMAGINATION TRUTH JUSTICE FEMALE WONDER BEAUTY, SOFTNESS, SENUSALITY, HONOR, PLEASURE, PERSEVERENCE, DEDICATION, INTEGRITY, ETHICS, HARMONY, JOY, PEACE, CALM, SERENITY, PROTECTION, SERVICE, DEVOTION, INSPIRATION, ORGANIZATION, COLLABORATION, COOPERATION, POWER, TRUST, INTUITION, EXCITEMENT, INNOCENCE, CLARITY, WHIMSY, CONTENTMENT, CHARM, BALANCE, FORGIVENESS, COMMITMENT, FAITH, COMPASSION, AUTHENTICITY, HAPPINESS, GENTLENESS, SENSITITIVITY. ENOUGH!! I have bits of all these of qualities, some in greater measure than others, but I am ENOUGH even with all my imperfections, foibles, mistakes, shortcomings. This week Sophia, Lady Widsom, spoke to me; I didn't see her but I imagine that she had her hands on wide hips, shaking her head tossing her dreadlocks, flashing her eyes, with a bright toothy grin that stood out against her golden skin when a clear voice said "ENOUGH!!!" in a big Momma kind of voice that makes you sit up, shut up and listen, and then go to your room to think about what she said and what I've been doing(to myself).
I'm having trouble with flickr posting to LJ tonight. GRRRRR!

Today is my eldest son's 39th birthday. Wasn't *I* just 39?????
It was a wild week, a difficult week but turned around on Thursday when i got my hair cut/colored and facial hair/eyebrows dealt with. I felt sassy again. :-) Spending time with my friend Betti who does my hair always is fun too. The two sessions I had on Thursday were fine, no major blowups and the families are making some progress. Whew! I needed to see that!
I put on pajamas when I got home from work on Thursday night and wore them until I showered and put on clean ones this afternoon. I didn't actually start out to do so, but I started work on paperwork and e-mails yesterday morning at 7 AM and finished every last bit of correspondence, e-mail, reports, letters, and casenotes there were to be done, copied it and put the originals in a priority mail envelope that I'll stamp and put in the mailbox tomorrow to go out Tuesday morning. It was amazing what I could get done without too many phone calls, or other interruptions. I didn't have to see clients yesterday so that was a nice break.
I had my annual review via teleconference yesterday with my Operations Director and Clinical Director. It couldn't have gone better. They had so much praise for my work, and for who I am as a person, and thanking me profusely for the job I do and my contribution to the agency as a whole, it was actually a bit uncomfortable for me. As I thought he might, Gene my Operations Director asked me if there was a reason I didn't want to go to fulltime rather than the 3/4 time I work. I told him that yes there were actually two reasons. 1. I don't want the pressure of the expected production hours that go along with 100% time employment (which is salaried, and for which I'd get no overtime, but I didn't tell him that LOL)and 2. When I am actually working only 3/4 time I have time for ME to do some of the things I want to do that aren't work related and that give me more balance in my life(For the last few months I've been working more like fulltime hours, the bigger paychecks have been nice, but I hope to return to 3/4 time soon as I've cut back on the frequency I'm seeing some clients and closed with some others in the last couple of weeks)It's clear that I expect more of myself than they expect of me. That's reaffirming.
I signed up for Pinterest this week, still learning my way around there but I can see why it's addicting! Fun!!
I didn't get around to doing a journal page yesterday. I was too wiped out by the time I finished with work for the day. It felt good to do a quick page today after I got the bathroom cleaned (FINALLY!!! It was driving me crazy!!! I gave it a thorough scrubbing/scouing and boy am I feeling it tonight. What a workout!). I started working on a gift for a friend today too. I'll finish it tomorrow.
I got a chance to read a bit today, still working through THE GIRL WHO PLAYED WITH FIRE.
GOOD MAIL DAY TODAY!!! I got a beautiful tag from Karenann Young in today's mail. Gorgeous!!!! I can't wait to put it on a page in my 60th Year journal! Thank you Karenann! We also got a letter/card from our best friends from seminary days today. That was wonderful to hear from them!
The snooty 16 year old texted me last night to set an appointment for next week. She said she could meet Monday at 4:30 or Thursday at 2:45. I told her the Thursday would work for me. So YAY!!! I have a 3 day weekend after all! Of course I'm a bit irritated that Tom gave his day off away to meet with a couple for premarital counseling. I wanted to get out of town for the day. I need to do some grocery shopping but I guess we can do that locally after he's done midafternoon. I asked if he could reschedule, something I never ask him to do, and he said no. Phbbbbt...raspberries to him!! I won't make it an issue, not worth it. But dammit!! Okay, whining over. LOL
I'm off the computer to go read for a bit. Church tomorrow, art time, and nothing else planned for the day. Maybe watch a video.
LIFE IS GOOD!!!

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